I know there will be plenty of people who disagree with my view, but it will NOT change the fact that pant size matters to me.
I admit, I haven't always had a healthy attitude about my body image. In fact, as a young girl and into my early 20s my body image and self-worth were intertwined. I fully believed I had to be perfect and beautiful in order to be worth anything. I had NO idea my sense of worth could be separate from how I feel about my body. That truth could have saved me a world of struggle.
I started my fitness journey at the age of 17. My mom bought one of those cheap ski machines that she used from time to time. It had blue pedals that slid forwards and backwards with two handles that also moved back and forth. You could turn a dial to increase or decrease the resistance. I lugged that baby to my room and used it every day after school.
My mom also had the Sweatin' to the Oldies videos and, you guessed it, I did those as well! To this day I can't hear "It's My Party" without wanting to break into the workout moves!!
After I graduated High School I worked at a Church Camp for several summers. We had to walk ALL over the camp ground, up and down hills, which totaled several miles each day. Believe it or not, I strapped on ankle weights and wore them EVERY time we walked, except when I was in heels. (I'm crazy, not stupid!)
When I moved from my parents house I no longer had Richard Simmons or the ski machine to rely on, so I used my favorite songs (on cassette, of course) and created my own fitness routines. I started researching fitness so I could put together more effective routines.
I continued with fitness even through my pregnancies. As soon as I was released after giving birth I was right back at it. I trained each of my children to respect my time while working out. It was anything but easy...however, it was a priority for me and so I MADE it happen. I used to go to bed in the clothes I would work out in the next morning. I put my shoes on the moment I woke up. This way, I was READY to workout! I figured, "I'm already dressed for it, I might as well get to it." (Don't tell anyone...but I still do this!)
I needed absolutely NO support or encouragement from others to stay on course. I know...completely disgusting, isn't it? I have a driven personality and I HIGHLY value being disciplined. These two things worked in my favor where fitness was concerned. I was HAPPY with my body and HAPPY with life, in general. I had a great attitude and outlook.
Along the way, things changed. I lost sight of who I really am and made the HUGE mistake of listening to other voices, other definitions, other outlooks and ideas that were contrary to mine. The problem in listening to them is that I began to think that I needed to be more like this person or that person. I let people tell me that I should lighten up on the exercise and healthy stuff. I let people's opinions matter too much and I began to lose myself.
There are a lot of people who don't care what size they are as long as they have more energy or can run around with their children or grandchildren or simply make it through the day better. Some don't eat certain things because they have strong convictions about eating them. Others couldn't care less about what they eat at all and would MUCH rather focus on other things. There are people who judge thin people and people who judge fat people. There are people who are built large and make it a point to say they would rather be that way than thin. (However, thin people RARELY come out and say they'd rather be thin than large because the large people would go OFF on them. HORRIBLE double standard that drives me crazy!!!) News flash big gals: It's JUST as rude for YOU to rip on thin people!
I'm a small person. My normal size is much smaller than the average size 10. There are SO many people who would be happy with a size 10 or even larger. Many people are ok and feel completely satisfied with excess fat on their bodies. MORE POWER TO THEM (and you if this is you.) But I am NOT one of them. I don't like excess body fat on me. I LOVE muscles. I LOVE the way they look. I love the way they feel. I LOVE muscles! I love being strong even when I'm little. And I'm willing to eat different than people who don't care to have what I want.
For the longest time I got tired of standing out in a crowd. For some STUPID reason, I convinced myself it was better to blend in. I was wrong. Actually, it's better to be ME and count the cost and pay the price whatever that means! Because abandoning myself was the worst thing I've ever done.
So, this is me. I LIKE being thin. I DON'T like being chubby. I DO care about how my clothes fit. I WANT to be fit, strong, sexy and confident as I walk down the street. (That's a weird phrase...I rarely actually walk down a street.) I don't care if YOU think I look fine the way I am because I'm not trying to be fit for YOU, it's for me. I live with myself 24/7. I need to be happy with who I am. As long as it is within my power to do so, I want to be a size 6/8. I am happiest with my body at that size and no larger. I don't care about how much I weigh; the scale is my enemy because weight fluctuates day to day and is a poor indicator of health. Plus, I have a lot of muscle on my body and I am heavier than I look.
When I throw caution to the wind where food is concerned and eat whatever I want whenever I want I feel horrible. This may be freedom for some, but it is bondage for this gal. I LOVE being disciplined with my foods because when I'm not I feel like a slave to my cravings. And feeling like a slave makes me miserable. If I'm being REALLY honest, I don't even believe in "all things in moderation". I'm of the firm belief that some things should NEVER be put in my body...or rarely. I also have STRONG convictions about certain things like not feeding my body poison. (This often drives my family crazy because of some of the restrictions I've put on groceries I'm willing to purchase...but since I'm the one buying them, that's how it's going to be. I love them and care about their bodies.)
I LOVE fitness. I never used to struggle with wanting to workout. I do these days, but I still LOVE the way I feel being involved in a good program and getting REALLY sweaty and stinky! I LOVE punching and kicking and jumping (as long as my bladder is empty first!), and challenging myself to go a little harder this time. I LOVE the way it makes me feel accomplished. I've even learned not to overdo it like I used to in my younger days. I love talking about fitness and healthy food and biochemistry and how it ALL works together. I am a total fitness geek! These days, I DO need more support and encouragement than I did years ago, but I'm ok with that because I LOVE relating to people with like interests.
I am perfectly fine with you being different from me and not wanting the same things for you as I want for me. I don't expect you to be like me. I don't expect you to desire the same results as me. I can accept you exactly the way you are. I don't feel the need to require anyone else to believe what I believe or want what I want. This is just about me taking a stand and remembering who I REALLY am.
Don't get me wrong. Although I do NOT like what I see in the mirror these days, it doesn't mean I hate myself. I love who I am as a person. I have completely severed my body image and self-worth. My worth is grounded in Christ and not one thing, including some pudge on my body, will ever change that in me. I am completely at peace with who is on the inside and I deeply desire to feel the same about what I see on the outside. I guess it's the same reason why I color my hair and put make-up on. I want to present a certain picture to the world. That picture doesn't define my worth, but it helps me enjoy being in this body so why not?
For too long I let too many voices tell me I should be a certain way. I'm done. I'm going to be me and if people don't like it, they are free to walk away. That will leave more room for those who WANT to be a part of my world and the REAL me!
Thanks for sticking with me to the end of this! I feel incredibly empowered and I hope you do, too. Where ever YOU stand, be YOU! Life is only worth living if we are living it authentically! Go for it!
