I Confess...Pant Size Matters to ME!

I know there will be plenty of people who disagree with my view, but it will NOT change the fact that pant size matters to me.

I admit, I haven't always had a healthy attitude about my body image. In fact, as a young girl and into my early 20s my body image and self-worth were intertwined. I fully believed I had to be perfect and beautiful in order to be worth anything. I had NO idea my sense of worth could be separate from how I feel about my body. That truth could have saved me a world of struggle. 

I started my fitness journey at the age of 17. My mom bought one of those cheap ski machines that she used from time to time. It had blue pedals that slid forwards and backwards with two handles that also moved back and forth. You could turn a dial to increase or decrease the resistance. I lugged that baby to my room and used it every day after school. 

My mom also had the Sweatin' to the Oldies videos and, you guessed it, I did those as well! To this day I can't hear "It's My Party" without wanting to break into the workout moves!! 

After I graduated High School I worked at a Church Camp for several summers. We had to walk ALL over the camp ground, up and down hills, which totaled several miles each day. Believe it or not, I strapped on ankle weights and wore them EVERY time we walked, except when I was in heels. (I'm crazy, not stupid!)

When I moved from my parents house I no longer had Richard Simmons or the ski machine to rely on, so I used my favorite songs (on cassette, of course) and created my own fitness routines. I started researching fitness so I could put together more effective routines.

I continued with fitness even through my pregnancies. As soon as I was released after giving birth I was right back at it. I trained each of my children to respect my time while working out. It was anything but easy...however, it was a priority for me and so I MADE it happen. I used to go to bed in the clothes I would work out in the next morning. I put my shoes on the moment I woke up. This way, I was READY to workout! I figured, "I'm already dressed for it, I might as well get to it." (Don't tell anyone...but I still do this!)

I needed absolutely NO support or encouragement from others to stay on course. I know...completely disgusting, isn't it? I have a driven personality and I HIGHLY value being disciplined. These two things worked in my favor where fitness was concerned. I was HAPPY with my body and HAPPY with life, in general. I had a great attitude and outlook. 

Along the way, things changed. I lost sight of who I really am and made the HUGE mistake of listening to other voices, other definitions, other outlooks and ideas that were contrary to mine. The problem in listening to them is that I began to think that I needed to be more like this person or that person. I let people tell me that I should lighten up on the exercise and healthy stuff. I let people's opinions matter too much and I began to lose myself. 

There are a lot of people who don't care what size they are as long as they have more energy or can run around with their children or grandchildren or simply make it through the day better. Some don't eat certain things because they have strong convictions about eating them. Others couldn't care less about what they eat at all and would MUCH rather focus on other things. There are people who judge thin people and people who judge fat people. There are people who are built large and make it a point to say they would rather be that way than thin. (However, thin people RARELY come out and say they'd rather be thin than large because the large people would go OFF on them. HORRIBLE double standard that drives me crazy!!!) News flash big gals: It's JUST as rude for YOU to rip on thin people!

I'm a small person. My normal size is much smaller than the average size 10. There are SO many people who would be happy with a size 10 or even larger. Many people are ok and feel completely satisfied with excess fat on their bodies. MORE POWER TO THEM (and you if this is you.) But I am NOT one of them. I don't like excess body fat on me. I LOVE muscles. I LOVE the way they look. I love the way they feel. I LOVE muscles! I love being strong even when I'm little. And I'm willing to eat different than people who don't care to have what I want. 

For the longest time I got tired of standing out in a crowd. For some STUPID reason, I convinced myself it was better to blend in. I was wrong. Actually, it's better to be ME and count the cost and pay the price whatever that means! Because abandoning myself was the worst thing I've ever done. 

So, this is me. I LIKE being thin. I DON'T like being chubby. I DO care about how my clothes fit. I WANT to be fit, strong, sexy and confident as I walk down the street. (That's a weird phrase...I rarely actually walk down a street.) I don't care if YOU think I look fine the way I am because I'm not trying to be fit for YOU, it's for me. I live with myself 24/7. I need to be happy with who I am. As long as it is within my power to do so, I want to be a size 6/8. I am happiest with my body at that size and no larger. I don't care about how much I weigh; the scale is my enemy because weight fluctuates day to day and is a poor indicator of health. Plus, I have a lot of muscle on my body and I am heavier than I look. 

When I throw caution to the wind where food is concerned and eat whatever I want whenever I want I feel horrible. This may be freedom for some, but it is bondage for this gal. I LOVE being disciplined with my foods because when I'm not I feel like a slave to my cravings. And feeling like a slave makes me miserable. If I'm being REALLY honest, I don't even believe in "all things in moderation". I'm of the firm belief that some things should NEVER be put in my body...or rarely. I also have STRONG convictions about certain things like not feeding my body poison. (This often drives my family crazy because of some of the restrictions I've put on groceries I'm willing to purchase...but since I'm the one buying them, that's how it's going to be. I love them and care about their bodies.)

I LOVE fitness. I never used to struggle with wanting to workout. I do these days, but I still LOVE the way I feel being involved in a good program and getting REALLY sweaty and stinky! I LOVE punching and kicking and jumping (as long as my bladder is empty first!), and challenging myself to go a little harder this time. I LOVE the way it makes me feel accomplished. I've even learned not to overdo it like I used to in my younger days. I love talking about fitness and healthy food and biochemistry and how it ALL works together. I am a total fitness geek! These days, I DO need more support and encouragement than I did years ago, but I'm ok with that because I LOVE relating to people with like interests. 

I am perfectly fine with you being different from me and not wanting the same things for you as I want for me. I don't expect you to be like me. I don't expect you to desire the same results as me. I can accept you exactly the way you are. I don't feel the need to require anyone else to believe what I believe or want what I want. This is just about me taking a stand and remembering who I REALLY am. 

Don't get me wrong. Although I do NOT like what I see in the mirror these days, it doesn't mean I hate myself. I love who I am as a person. I have completely severed my body image and self-worth. My worth is grounded in Christ and not one thing, including some pudge on my body, will ever change that in me. I am completely at peace with who is on the inside and I deeply desire to feel the same about what I see on the outside. I guess it's the same reason why I color my hair and put make-up on. I want to present a certain picture to the world. That picture doesn't define my worth, but it helps me enjoy being in this body so why not?

For too long I let too many voices tell me I should be a certain way. I'm done. I'm going to be me and if people don't like it, they are free to walk away. That will leave more room for those who WANT to be a part of my world and the REAL me! 

Thanks for sticking with me to the end of this! I feel incredibly empowered and I hope you do, too. Where ever YOU stand, be YOU! Life is only worth living if we are living it authentically! Go for it! 

Where do I stand on Homosexuality?

Personally, I have NOTHING against homosexuals! They don't make me sick to see them together and I don't get angry when they show affection toward one another. GASP! I know...some who read this will probably think I'm not a TRUE Believer any more. God knows better so they can think what they want. ;0)

I do NOT believe someone chooses to be attracted to people of the same sex any more than I choose to be attracted to men. I believe there are so many things that factor into this that we can't possibly know why it happens. Our world is SO far from what God created it to be that each and every one of us is a long, long way off from being the person He created us to be. That's why GRACE is necessary. I believe the "choice" comes into play when someone decides they will "act" on the attraction.

 This issue of homosexuality and the heartlessness the church has had on those who deal with it has always bothered me. Don't get me wrong. I stand on God's Word here...homosexuality is NOT acceptable behavior in His sight. I will stand on that as truth regardless of my own personal feelings on the matter because HE determines right from wrong; I am NOT my own moral compass. But at the same time, I have unanswered torment (and simply choose to trust God's Sovereignty) about so many things that pertain to homosexual relationships (for people) who come to Christ and decide to be obedient to His plan for their lives. It saddens me to think of the broken families and relationships that result from such a choice...because it would be so self-righteous for Christians to think a homosexual relationship is only about sex. Give me a break! Many of them MAY be...but so are many heterosexual relationships. I'm NOT sad about those ones...but what about those people who are raising children and giving them a good home. What about those who truly love their partner and have invested time and effort into their relationship...much like heterosexuals. What about their pain. What about the agony they must feel in those moments?

Please don't tell me they are not real families. THAT is a horrible thing to say. I can't STAND it when a Christian has the audacity to say something like that about another family. Of course, they are families...and they have the capacity to love JUST as much as you do...and sometimes more than many Believers (at least the high and mighty ones) I can honestly say, I'd rather see a baby go to a homosexual couple who will love and invest in that child than to see it aborted. If you think I'm evil for that...well, talk to God about it because I don't want to hear such foolishness. Determining a person's worth based on who they have sex with is RIDICULOUS to say the least...I mean...is that what YOUR worth is determined by??? Honestly, if God's grace is sufficient for my evil thoughts, desires and selfishness then it is certainly enough for the homosexual.
I have always struggled with this topic. Because I know homosexuals...and I like and care about them very much...and I would stand beside them against you (Believers) if you started getting on your soapbox around them. I believe the way to impact this community of people with the love of Christ is to...well, SHOW them the love of Christ. Duh!

Here's another shocker: I can completely understand why homosexuals fight so hard to have marriage rights. Now, I KNOW some in that community have an agenda that will wipe marriage out for good...and BOO on those people. I pray about that and believe God is greater than they are...and nothing will happen without FIRST going through HIS hand. BUT...believing their behavior is acceptable, many are simply asking to be treated as "equal" to you. I get that...it's kinda strange because how can you have "Holy Matrimony" when you are doing something God objects to...? Anyway...But I get it...and I feel compassion for them. And I understand why they want to be accepted and not be defined by who they sleep with. I don't believe it's appropriate to change what God has created. Therefore, I disagree with the homosexual communities fight for "marriage" rights. But my disagreeing with it is not because I'm sickened by them or think they don't deserve to live happily or whatever they think I intend...it's simply because, God, as the Creator of the Universe AND human beings AND sex AND marriage, said it was to be defined in a particular way only. Since HE created it...He also gets to define it and I believe it's incredibly dangerous for man to step up, shake their fist at the Creator and say, "YOU GOT THIS ONE WRONG!" Redefining is a huge mistake and will have huge ramifications. This is why I stand on the Biblical definition of marriage. There's no hate involved or a lack of caring about the homosexual...I simply choose to honor God and HIS plan above all things...including my own sensibilities.

Honestly, my heart breaks for the homosexual community. Do I feel pity?...no. But I do feel compassion. I know what it is like to have a temptation and desire that I did NOT choose to have. I know the guilt and shame of giving into such desires. But when I do so...there aren't a whole bunch of people screaming in opposition at me, condemning me and trying to take things away from me I feel I deserve. I can't imagine the pain I would endure if this were what greeted me.

I will never turn someone away as a friend because they are homosexual. I will never teach my children to oppose them or say rude things to them. I will continue to teach my children what I've always taught them...love and acceptance. NOT tolerance...because tolerance is a cheapened version of GRACE. I teach my children TRUE grace that says, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me." I will teach them their need for grace so they can love others who don't yet realize their own need for grace. I choose to teach my children how to stand on the truth in God's word while loving the people who oppose God.

I believe the problem for many Believers is they have forgotten who the REAL enemy is. People aren't the enemy. SATAN is the enemy and he is devouring people left and right. I LOVE the song "Jesus, Friend of Sinners" by Casting Crowns. It describes the Church quite well.

Here's what I have to say to those who are homosexual and/or simply stand beside them in the belief that their lifestyle is perfectly fine. Just because someone disagrees with your choices and stands on their own belief that the Bible is the final authority does NOT mean we hate you. I'm equally sick and tired of hearing you scream at the top of your lungs about that. I don't hate you any more than I hate the person who lives with someone outside of marriage (and I don't hate them either!!!). It's ridiculous to assume EVERYONE who opposes your behavior HATES you and is against your happiness. I realize there are MANY homophobic people in the world...I get it, I get it...but NOT everyone is. So, really, get off YOUR high horse and stop telling me I have to agree with you in order for you to be happy. That's nonsense. And it is very wrong for you to try and force me to go against my relationship with God in order for YOU to live the life you want to live. It is absolutely true...you are free to make your choices and live your life and I will not infringe upon that as long as it does not require me to go against what I believe to be God's truth. I mean, really, what kind of Follower would I be if I simply ignored HIS Word to make someone feel better? A lousy one.

Honestly, I'm tired of both sides of this issue. BOTH sides have done and said AWFUL things to and about one another. Christians have forgotten their own need for grace and homosexuals and their supporters have required things we (as true believers) simply cannot stand behind AND honor God. We just can't. NOTE: I am NOT saying God doesn't save or love the homosexual. Christ died for ALL of us. IF a person surrenders to Christ His grace is sufficient regardless of the sin. I even believe God STILL loves a homosexual who has turned to Him and yet still struggles with this issue. I know this because He still loves me and has compassion on me even though I struggle with the same temptations over and over.

If you are wanting to argue with me and call me names because I believe homosexual behavior is wrong...don't bother. No amount of words from you will erase the truth of God's word in my heart. And THAT is not condemnation...it's just TRUTH. I will NOT side with anyone but Him...regardless of what that means for the behaviors of man. At the same time...I do not believe it makes a person "less than" somehow...as others seem to think. I don't believe the sin of homosexuality is uglier than my own sin and need for grace. I don't think I'm "better" than anyone else.

I think people matter and relationships are the most important things to invest in while we are alive on this earth. Truth without love comes across as condemnation...truth in love transforms the world! I choose the latter.

Common sense, anyone?

I received a phone call today from Micah's teacher. I have to admit...when I saw the name on the I.D. I outwardly groaned before picking up the phone and pleasantly saying, "Hello".

My son's teacher greeted me with that tone we mom's DREAD all the while assuring me, "Micah's fine...BUT..." (I don't remember exactly, but I can pretty much bet I rolled my eyes.)

Let me start by saying this: My husband and I have come to the conclusion that Micah's teacher does NOT like him. Remember, we've got 2 older children, a Senior and a Sophmore, so this isn't our first rodeo. She doesn't like him. It's very obvious and we've known since about the 2nd month of school...if it even took that long to figure out. When you have a strong-willed child who is wise beyond his years, argumentative as all get-out, quick thinking, EXTREMELY literal and detail oriented, you've got a child who is going to have clashes with others. It's just the way it goes. Add to that our particular child possesses a high level of confidence and is NOT intimidated by, well...anyone! We get it...he's a HUGE challenge. I think we know this better than anyone since we are the ones trying to survive...er...I mean, raise him.

We've had several "run-ins" with Micah's teacher and what we've noticed is she is entirely concerned about HIS impact on everyone from his actions to his words yet shows little to no concern about how he feels, thinks or experiences what happens around him.

So...getting back to my morning interruption, ahem...phone call.

Teacher: "I just wanted Micah to share with you what he said to a little girl in his class."

I will spare you the details of the slightly confusing, hard to follow conversation I had with my very distracted son who didn't quite understand why he was even having to talk with me. (Whew! Take a breath!) I will just move to the reason for the call. Micah, in frustration, said, "I wish I could put duct tape on your mouth to keep you quiet!"

When asked why he said that he explained that it was something I or his brothers or someone said to HIM and it seemed appropriate for this situation. (Made me smile but I kept my giggle to myself. I didn't want to egg him on and get us BOTH in trouble.)

We had a conversation about how to handle frustrations and how to respond to those we are frustrated with and then his teacher got back on the phone.

I have to be honest, I was confused as to what she wanted from me. So, I asked her. She said, "I just thought you should know what he said." Still confused I responded, "Annnnnnd why did you think I should know this right now?" To which she replied (here's the kicker), "I don't know...he clenched his jaw and his hands were in fists and, I don't know...I perceived it as a threat." A THREAT???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

I took a breath and said, "A threat? He's 6 years old. I do not believe for one moment that he intends to do bodily harm to her or anyone else. Did she feel threatened?"

Teacher, "Well, no. She's from another country. She probably didn't even know what he said."

Me, "Then why are we having this conversation?" (Doesn't this seem like a logical question???)

Teacher, "Because other children heard him say it and 2 of them told me about it. I'm concerned about the perceived threat they may be feeling."

Me, (I deserve a gold medal for my ability to KEEP MY COOL and not say to this teacher PRECISELY what I was thinking about her ability to reason things out at that moment...for those who know me, you understand what a monumental accomplishment that was for me) Instead I said, "I'm wondering if it has more to do with the fact that 6 and 7 year olds go out of their way to get one another in trouble. They tend to tattle on EVERYONE for EVERYTHING. Micah comes home daily and tells me about who told on who. He even tells me about HIM telling on his friends. Don't you think it could possibly have more to do with that than them feeling threatened?"

She skirted around this line of questioning by telling me I will need to trust her judgement on how she handles the tattling in her class. Didn't make an ounce of sense given the context of the conversation we were having at the time but I let it go and didn't tell her I don't really trust her at all, which I really don't at this point.

I then went to my second point: "Where is the concern for my son's obvious frustration or distress?"

Teacher, "What do you mean?"

Me, "You said Micah had his jaw clenched and his hands were in fists at his side. That is an obvious sign of frustration or distress. Did you take any time at all to talk to him and find out what he was feeling and why instead of assuming he was being threatening?" She replied in the negative to which I responded, "I appreciate the call and I spoke with Micah about how to handle our feelings of frustration and the people who frustrate us. I'm not sure what you want me to do here, but I can assure I'm NOT going to make a bigger deal out of this than what it is."

I still don't know what she really wanted from me except to side with her against my child. If I thought for a MOMENT he was being threatening to anyone I would be at that school in a heartbeat dealing with it. He's 6...and I'm not even fully convinced he knows what duct tape is!

His teacher basically apologized for "bothering" me and made sure I understood that Micah would be pulling a card for what he said. This is nothing new...he pulls cards for LOTS of things he says. This is not the first time she has had zero concern for Micah while only caring about his impact on others. It gets tiring, but WE walk through those things with him and help him deal with it, so we aren't overly concerned about HER impact on HIM. And what's better...school is closer to done than not! We are counting the days.

Why am I writing about this? Because it seems like common sense just doesn't exist in a LOT of classrooms in this Nation. It immediately reminded me of the boy who got suspended for chewing a pop-tart into the shape of a gun. Remember that? The school then offered counseling for the other students who "witnessed" such a heinous act (please know that was DRIPPING with sarcasm). I was actually tempted to ask Micah's teacher if they would be offering therapy to the two "traumatized" students...but I wisely held my tongue. What is going on? When did it become a  rule that 6 year olds are no longer allowed to act like a 6 year old? I mean..REALLY!!! It's not like he's 16 and threatening to shoot anyone! He's 6...and 6 year olds don't always know how to deal with frustration. That's why the ADULTS in their lives are supposed to be MORE educated than they are and able to walk them through it...teaching them how to deal effectively and respectfully. Unfortunately, we have too many grown-ups who don't have a clue how to deal with the heart of a child. They are only concerned with controlling behavior. How incredibly sad.

I'm not sure what kind of judgments were being made on my home and my children, but based on the results of my 18 and 16 year olds, we've not done a perfect job but we've done pretty well. After all, neither one of them have duct taped a single person... EVER!!

Boy, are we looking forward to that last day of school!